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Dating Advice for ENFP and ISTJ Personality Types

August 5, 2010 By

Photo by picturepurrfect685 on Flickr

Photo by picturepurrfect685 on Flickr

Ah, the joys of that first getting-to-know-you period! I received an email recently that reminded me of my dating days. The person was an ENFP (an Extraverted, flexible green), dating an ISTJ (an Introverted, structured gold), and wondering how to make a relationship work between two opposite personality types.

I’m a definite ENFP and my husband is a definite ISTJ. So far, through definite ups and downs (and many “relationship building” discussions), we’ve been married almost 9 years. I didn’t know much at all about personality type when we met, and those insights sure would have been helpful! Here are the tips I gave the person who emailed me, based on personality knowledge and my own experience. I’ve tried to make these as gender-neutral as possible, but sometimes my own experience reflects my own female ENFP and male ISTJ situation:

1) ISTJs tend to take care of business first, and play later (if they can fit it in).

Golds thrive on responsibility and duty. The biggest complement you can pay them is to tell them they are reliable, dependable, capable, and solid. Show appreciation when s/he does things you enjoy that fall into this category. When he calls when he says he will, when she takes a chaotic situation and uses cool reason to turn it into an organized pattern, when he shows you that you can count on him no matter what. Appreciation is something we all enjoy, and complementing natural traits reassures the person that you see and like the “real” him or her.

2) ISTJs tend to, by nature, be wary and suspicious of all things new.

This applies especially when the new thing is not reliable, dependable, capable or solid, as in the case of an ENFP personality type. :) Give your Gold Beaver time to get to know you slowly. Be yourself, but show that as an ENFP you are – at best – consistently inconsistent. Rushing things will put your beloved off. This type of person is a slow burner, not a heat-of-the-moment person. Capitalize on your warm, nurturing side and your sunny disposition.

3) Your natural ENFP traits attract this type like a bee to honey (to a point).

Your enthusiastic, playful, impetuous, gregarious nature is attractive to an ISTJ because it offers an optimistic and joyful influence. However, s/he can only take so much of this for so long before it crosses into annoyance or unreliability. This type is more Eeyore, yours is more Tigger (more about personality types and Winnie the Pooh characters here). Go have fun with your other Tigger and Piglet friends and don’t expect him to tag along. Everyone needs an outlet for their true nature, and your sweetie will appreciate the quiet time alone to sort out his or her own thoughts. You will tend to want to make this person the center of your world. Try hard not to.

4) Give this person the space to grow toward you.

It is human nature to fill a vacuum. Have you ever tried to not say anything while you count to 10 during a meeting? If you do this during the whole meeting, you might never get a chance to speak at all! Just as it is normal to fill a conversational void, it is normal to try to fill a void in presence.

Hang back just a little. Give your partner space. Your ISTJ will grow toward you, but it will be at a slower pace than you want. Show this person you are independent and can get along just fine without him or her, but still appreciate and enjoy their company. DON’T try to manipulate a commitment to you faster, because it will backfire. No jealousy plays, no silent treatment, no games. Those techniques don’t draw this type in, they push this type away. Just live your own life with your own friends and taking care of your own responsibilities. ISTJ types appreciate confident partners who have it all together and can stand on their own two feet.

5) ISTJ’s need to be needed.

This type gets a kick out of “rescuing” someone, especially when that person is self-sufficient and the “rescue” is low-key. When you talk about your life and she gives wise counsel, voice your appreciation of her objective, reasonable, time-tested advice as something you never would have thought of yourself. When he helps you work through a problem, tell him that you appreciate him partnering with you because his input helps you built to a more complete solution. Tell her that your differences really complement one another (because they do!) and you should partner together more often.

My Story

I hope some of these suggestions help. I met my hubby at a time when he was going through some major life changes – a move to a completely new city on the other side of the US without any family or friends to support him. Though we connected like lightning right off the bat, it took lots of patience and maturity on my end for 3-4 months before he was truly committed. As he put it, “It takes me a while to build confidence in someone, but once I’m there I give my heart completely.” We were married a year after the first day we met. Your mileage will vary. :)

Your Turn

The trick is to give this person the room to grow in affection for you. Be a touch less eager, a tad less available, a sliver more involved in your own life than you normally are. Give him a chance to grow toward you by moving away just a little. Your person might be an ISTJ, but s/he is a human first.

Have you dated someone who is your personality type opposite? What was your experience like? Share your story in the comments!

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  • Orangewaterphotography

    I stumbled across this, and I dated an ISTJ for about a year. Your experience sounds similar to ours, but I’ve made the mistake of pushing commitment to fast. It’s funny, cause we can really fight over the dumbest things because of a little miscommunication, but we always seem to make up and have tons of fun together. His srengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa. We are still close and I still love him, but its just funny to see the contrast that personality types can play in a relationship.

  • http://www.engageyourstrengths.com wdaunheimer

    Thanks for coming by and for taking the time to comment! Yes, you make a wonderful point – opposite personality types can develop a powerful partnership once they accept their differences. I’m glad you two are still close. What personality type are you dating now? How is it different?

  • Kelly

    You are so right on! I dated a ISTJ for 5 months—–the mistake I made was pushing the relationship along faster than it needed to be. When he broke up with me….I was shocked! Right now I’m waiting for him to call me as I gave him space by letting go with love…..well he came back thankfully. This is the first time in over a month i feel like he is finally comfortable with things. We will see….. Hopefully we can start over with the lessons I was forced to learn. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

  • Niss

    I am the ISTJ male married to an ENFP female for 25 years. You are correct in your assessment of these personalities in a relationship. We are all more than just four letters, but this pairing does tend to be difficult, so do enter it knowing that it can be quite a bit of work. However, it is also a very rewarding relationship and will encourage growth in both parties. The ISTJ must be especially careful to avoid having a disapproving air, as the ENFP will quickly pick up on this (they are very intuitive) and the ENFP will view this as a personal criticism. Also, the ENFP must seek affirmation from others–there is no way the ISTJ can meet the strong need of affirmation inherent in the ENFP. The ENFP needs to avoid falling into the trap of trying to excel at something the ISTJ values. Often the ENFP will attempt a new skill, hobby, or activity, hoping to become good enough that their ISTJ partner will value them because of their prowess in something that is important to the ISTJ. This is a surefire recipe for disaster. The ENFP will be hurt and frustrated and the ISTJ will be confused and distant.

    This can be a great relationship if you have similar values, but it is not one for the faint of heart. I love SWMBO with all of my heart. She has taught me a lot, although it wasn’t always easy. :)

  • Niss

    I am the ISTJ male married to an ENFP female for 25 years. You are correct in your assessment of these personalities in a relationship. We are all more than just four letters, but this pairing does tend to be difficult, so do enter it knowing that it can be quite a bit of work. However, it is also a very rewarding relationship and will encourage growth in both parties. The ISTJ must be especially careful to avoid having a disapproving air, as the ENFP will quickly pick up on this (they are very intuitive) and the ENFP will view this as a personal criticism. Also, the ENFP must seek affirmation from others–there is no way the ISTJ can meet the strong need of affirmation inherent in the ENFP. The ENFP needs to avoid falling into the trap of trying to excel at something the ISTJ values. Often the ENFP will attempt a new skill, hobby, or activity, hoping to become good enough that their ISTJ partner will value them because of their prowess in something that is important to the ISTJ. This is a surefire recipe for disaster. The ENFP will be hurt and frustrated and the ISTJ will be confused and distant.

    This can be a great relationship if you have similar values, but it is not one for the faint of heart. I love SWMBO with all of my heart. She has taught me a lot, although it wasn’t always easy. :)

  • http://www.engageyourstrengths.com wdaunheimer

    Niss, welcome! Thank you for contributing such terrific insights – the one about ENFPs trying to excel at something not in their natural strength arena and failing with regard to receiving ISTJ approval was especially eye opening to me. I appreciate your contribution to this article.

  • Nashipai

    I am married to an istj like niss. But like he said it is not for the faint hearted. I am an ENFP. Our relationship has been very tumultuous (almost 8 years). I always feel like he cannot accept me as i am. Very frustrating and what is worse, is that he is very critical. So you can imagine how much I “appreciate” it. Anyway not with him now, enjoying the space and freedom to be myself. What a relief.

  • Gadzooks

    I was married to an ISTJ for 20 years.  She finally got sick of my personality, invented reasons to leave, and broke up a family with three young kids.  Don’t trust them, they don’t know how to handle the stress of relationships because they aren’t flexible.

  • Grateful Anonymous

    These are fabulous lessons for the ENFP in love with an ISTJ… now, I’d be fascinated to read tips for the ISTJ in love with the ENFP!    Thanks so much!!!

  • Pamann

    Thank-you an hundred times.  I’ve been married to an ISTJ male for twenty years and it has been an emotional mine field for me.  It is when we are super stressed and I am seriously considering separation, that he is shocked and comes around from his cold, distant, unemotional place and tries to work things out.  I am saving this for future reference so I have somewhere to go when things get bad.  I will say, when our relationship is good, it’s very, very good.  But at least 50% of the time it is nearly unbearable.  Any other advice from you who have been through it would be so appreciated. 

  • Pamann

    You explain my husband and my relationship to a T.  And, we own and operate a small business together.  So it’s really times two the challenge for us.
    We met while I was on vacation in Florida.  There was something about him that I couldn’t explain but I knew he was special.  After my vacation, we dated long distance, which was good, because we got to know each other, and each of us had enormous phone bills each month talking for hours each day.   But we were definitely falling in love.  We got engaged four months after we met and married eleven months after we met. Fast forward three years, and that’s where our personalities kick in because I guess the newness wore off.  We started to get along horribly a lot of the time.  I didn’t know it was our personalities that clashed until only a year ago.  I was really considering leaving him when the kids were old enough because I didn’t know how to deal with him anymore.  Nothing made him happy.  I understand him now and don’t consider leaving anymore.  But… 
    It is so tough at times for this ENFP and her ISTJ husband.  I’m really trying to understand how he operates, but it is so difficult to live under his thumb because his way, in his opinion, is the only right way 90 percent of the time. When he see’s he has super stressed me to the point of (almost) no return, he backs down and comes around a bit.  I wonder if it is part of a power play or he really doesn’t realize how stressful his actions and words are on me.   
    I do love your advice and will follow it on being a tad less available and finding playmates of my own type.  He is human and I know he means well.  I’m doing my best to keep the harmony between us.