Photo by thebusybrain on Flickr

How many times have you heard an authority figure – a manager, a parent, a teacher – say something nice about you or your work and you can’t enjoy it because you’re waiting for that, “BUT … ” part of the statement? Have you ever been surprised when it didn’t come, and then found you couldn’t remember the positive things they said because you were focused on defending yourself against a criticism? Here are some ways to get the “but”s out of your own discussions:

1) Replace “but” with “and”

I read once that impromptu actors practice their skills by using one rule when they get together – each person begins their segment with the word “and”. It seems like a simple thing to do, but and you’d be surprised at how difficult it is to switch that one little word in your responses (see?).

If you do nothing else this week, give this first step a try. When a friend comes to you and asks you to look over a report she wrote, try something like “This is very well organized and easy to follow AND if you changed the wording of the introduction a little it would really grab the reader’s attention so they would absorb every word.” When a co-worker has an idea during a brainstorming session, you could say “That’s pretty creative AND I think we could also …” Responding in a positive way will encourage your friends to seek you out for your feedback.

2) Receive feedback with something other than, “But …”

These points might make more sense with an example, so I’ll share an experience of preparing a speech for a Toastmasters contest. First, let me acknowledge that I am a strange animal because I truly ENJOY public speaking. Joining Toastmasters has given me an opportunity to find my voice and share my thoughts with groups of people. That is not to say that it’s an easy path. While I love talking with people and see public speaking as an extension of that, creating a planned speech that educates, inspires and entertains is difficult.

I brought my fledgling speech to a dear friend and coworker of mine, who suggested that I bring up a point that I had already included. I could have said, “But I talked about that point here, in paragraph 5 …” It was hard not to say that. Instead, I substituted it with “Great! How do I make that point stand out?” This positive response allowed my friend to continue on and give me some excellent suggestions to incorporate. If I hadn’t changed my response, I wouldn’t have received that additional info. He would have closed down, not wanting to offend.

3) Replace “But I can’t do that!” with “I’ll give it a try”

Do you greet new ideas with suspicion and worry that you’ll fail? If so, you might be cheating yourself of growth opportunities. Trying and failing gives us a chance to grow new skills. It also gives us a rich resource for embarrassing stories later, though you might not consider that a positive.

When you give something new a try, you join in the fun others are having. If you approach it with a sense of humor and tell people this is new to you, it gives you a chance to enjoy life more fully with the support of others. Those experiences can help you engage with life more fully rather than sitting on the sidelines. So give something new a try!

Your Turn

There are many benefits of having a small “but” and being more positive. Your friends will seek out your feedback more when you deliberately replace “but” with “and” in your suggestions. You’ll find that others are more willing to collaborate with you when you add to their ideas instead of criticizing them. You’ll open to new experiences that will make your life more meaningful and fun when you try new things.

Will you try one of the steps above this week? Let us know what happens in the comments.

Photo by gustty on Flickr

Then when you turn your back to the water, a huge wave comes along and whallops you from behind and suddenly you’re spitting sand.

Oh sure, it’s funny when you watch it happen to someone else. It’s embarrassing as hell when it happens to you.

Doing something new is like that.

I’ve been trying to blog regularly on this site for the past six months. It’s still rough going. And I haven’t figured out exactly why. I love talking to people, sharing ideas, encouraging and motivating others. I thought this site would give me the chance to interact with more people and the stimulation would naturally lead to me generating lots of content. The first part happened (thank you Catherine, LaVonne, SusanJ, and all the others who made me leap around the room with joy when you commented on a post). The second part, not so much. At least, not yet.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past month with a few issues, and here are some thoughts that are helping me get back up, dust myself off and get back in the game. If you ever hit a road block, these questions might be helpful to you too.

How can you plug energy drains or get more energy?

Is something draining you? If so, can you take care of an issue that is an energy drain so it will stop dragging you down? Can you at least lessen the impact on your emotional or physical energy?

Likewise, is there something you can do to boost your energy? Can you get more sleep? Spend more time alone? Spend more time with others? This is where knowledge of personality type can help. Specifically, knowing whether you naturally focus on external stimuli or internal processing will help you when you realize you are down in the dumps and need a life but don’t know what to do.

If you are an extravert like me, you probably will gain energy if you interact with people. I don’t mean going to a crowded event or walking the mall. I’m talking about spending time with people you know and enjoy. If you are an introvert like some of my closest friends, you will probably gain energy from building some time into your schedule to reflect and think or take a walk in nature.

I’m also taking a look at what I eat and trying to eat a plant-based diet. I’ve fallen off the wagon so often in the past two years with this that I hesitate to mention it, but it’s worth trying again. You’ll hear more about this in upcoming posts.

Are you paying more attention to what you believe or what others believe?

Who thought someone could make a whole TV show out of picking junk out of people’s garages? Who believed a free website that asked for volunteer contributions could put make Encyclopedias obsolete? Who stood behind a dog lover from Mexico who dreamed of providing a refuge for unwanted dogs and helping Americans understand their pets?

If you are passionate about a cause and you believe it will help people solve problems, who’s to say it won’t work? There are lots of people in this world who are risk averse. They will caution you against doing things that aren’t the norm. You can learn from their stories about their experiences, but if you let those stories spook you into quitting you will lose any ground you’ve gained.

The only guaranteed way to fail is to take no action. Take one small step. Then take another.

Are you enjoying the process, or enduring it just to reach the goal?

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has written a lot about a state he calls flow and how important it is to enjoy the process, not just the expectation of the end result.

I’m currently reading his book Good Business, and I’m thinking about what I actually enjoy doing and how to do more of it.

I love speaking to groups. That’s my favorite thing to do in the whole world, and I get a rush every time. I haven’t been doing any public speaking. None. Not even at my Toastmasters club. It’s time to change that.

Do what you love. If you hope to succeed, make sure you love what you are doing.

Your turn

Have you hit a road block before? How did you get through it? Tell me in the comments.

Photo by wetsun on Flickr

Oh, not things that I’m scared to do or hate doing – those I can put off for weeks and weeks. But things that I really, really want are tough to put aside. I am the queen of instant gratification. This works to my advantage when I can reach the goal in the near term, or at least see how I can make progress on it in the near term.

But I’m not here to talk about the easy times. I’m here to talk about the times that the need for instant gratification threatens to kill my progress, because I believe you can relate. And because going through it together might help both of us out.

Making Progress

For the past four years I’ve been figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I changed jobs to have more interaction with people because that’s what I love. I found myself more fulfilled. I joined Toastmasters because I’ve always enjoyed speaking in front of people and thought I’d build my skills, and for the past three years I’ve served as a club officer and have earned speaking and leadership credentials. I found myself happier. I changed my role at work to one that required facilitation, mediation, and coaching skills. I found myself joyful. Each step along the path has helped me grow, and now I want to become a certified coach. Suddenly, progress has stopped.

Today’s Block

I have a chance to apply for a coaching certification at a major university, and I’m stalling out. It’s not because I don’t want it. On the contrary, I long to learn more about coaching. Susan at The Hearts Voice wrote a post recently about longing and stated, “And in our instant gratification culture we often bury it [our longing], thinking that it’s too painful to want what we can’t just go out and get.” Light bulb. I think that’s my block, or at least part of it.

Building coaching into a strength demands more than raw talent. It requires experience. It requires skill. And, for me, that means credentials. It also requires time, which means I have to put other things on hold that I really want. And that is painful. Just like anyone else, I have a limited supply of energy (though I hate to admit it, even to myself).

The Lure of Spinning Plates

I also have an addiction to spinning plates. As in, if I’m not screamingly busy between 10 different objectives at the same time, I feel as if I’m not accomplishing enough. But running in between plates to keep them all spinning burns a lot of energy. I could better spend that energy keeping two or three plates spinning.

I want to build a business coaching people in finding meaningful work, using their strengths, and helping others (their employees, students, etc) develop their strengths as well. I’ve spent invested several months now in learning how to build that online business. It’s so close that I can taste it. But doors are opening at work also, giving me opportunity to use my coaching talent in the corporate world. I can’t start a business while investing my energy and time in certification, building experience, and changing my role at work. Something will have to give. Realizing that is the painful part, but even more difficult is choosing the plates to keep spinning.

Making a Commitment

This weekend I spent a lot of time figuring it out. I need one more year before I launch a true business in this. One year to:

• Become a certified coach
• Build experience in coaching
• Continue to build my writing and speaking skills

Luckily, this blog is part of that. Hopefully, I can continue to provide value to those of you who read this as I continue to grow, learn and develop. I consider this a battle in mastering my craving for instant gratification. I hope to win the war.

Photo by quazie on Flickr

My first-grade son and I had a discussion tonight that shifted his view of the world. We’ve been having more and more “grown up discussions” in the past year, and tonight we talked about how even his father and I have to make decisions sometimes about what we want to spend money on. I compared it to him wanting a toy that cost more than his allowance, and how he could either decide to save for it or ask us to do more chores around his house to increase his allowance.

His eyes got wide. “You mean if I decide to do more chores I can get a bigger allowance?”

“Yes,” I said, “as long as you figure out how you think you could help and we agree that it’s valuable.”

Big pause.

“Wow!”

I don’t think our lives will ever be the same.

And really, it’s the same for all of us who work in the corporate world. How many people do you know who complain about how their yearly raise doesn’t even keep up with the rising costs of health care? Who lament about how terrible it is that the economy has tanked and companies only give 2-3 percent raises these days (and that’s if you are lucky)? Who gripe about their salary yet do what’s asked of them day after day instead of offering more?

I don’t think it occurs to many of us cubicle dwellers that we are all entrepreneurs in today’s economy. That our employers are just our biggest clients at this time, but they might not always be. That if you find ways to contribute more than you are asked to deliver, you will become invaluable and they will have to pay you more.

Today’s Strength Training Challenge

Change your mindset: You now determine your own salary. Look up, away from your problems in the trenches and toward the problems that your bosses are trying to solve. How can you help? How can you get involved? How can you make a difference? Put some thought into it, and suggest ways that you can contribute to their success.

If you deliver on your ideas, do you think they will increase your allowance? Make your contribution so strong that the only logical answer is “Yes.”