Have you ever started a big home improvement project with your partner? In the beginning, it’s fabulous. You pick out colors. You choose furniture or accessories. You imagine how great it will all look when it’s over, how your lives will be better.

Then you start the work

Suddenly, you start squabbling over how the house is always a mess. Or who’s job it is to clean up after each round of effort. Or, if you are like my husband and I, about painting techniques.

It started innocently enough

We had decided on a plan – a lesson learned early in our ISTJ / ENFP relationship. ISTJ types live by plans. I’m an ENFP and break out in hives at the mere suggestion I create one.

He started edging with a brush. I started painting with the roller. Two seconds in, the first verbal shot was fired. “You’re going to want to put that down now.” Then the second, “Have you done much with a roller before?”

It didn’t matter what he said later, or that he patiently demonstrated proper paint rolling techniques until our 9 year old would have been able to do it. I was steamed. I was doing fine, thank you very much. It’s my house, too. Just because I was using a different technique doesn’t mean it was wrong … Oh yeah, unless you’re an ISTJ.

ISTJ types find a best way to do something and stick with it

That’s a great strength in a lot of situations. When you want someone to turn chaos into order, an ISTJ is one of your best bets. They’ll come in, compare how things are now with the database of past solutions inside their heads, and come up with a plan for everything. Then they’ll execute that plan with determination.

ENFP types love to innovate and try new approaches

This can work wonders in a lot of situations. When you need a solution to a complex problem, especially a people problem, ENFP types excel. They’ll come in, see how things are done now and imagine how things could be in the future, and start on a strategy forward. Then they’ll do their best to involve and enroll everyone in the new way.

Neither of these strengths is a clear winner in the context of painting

And that’s what I realized once the reaction faded and logic kicked in. Part of the fun for me was to try a new technique and see how it worked. For him, it wasn’t fun. It was work, and there was a right way and a wrong way to accomplish it. Once I recognized how personality type played into our argument and stopped taking things personally, my ENFP preferences blended with his ISTJ ones beautifully and we finished our painting project in peace.

What small squabble is playing out right now in your life? How might type play into it? Better yet, how can type knowledge stop it? To find out more about type, take the personality type quiz and read more about your interaction style and temperament.

See if this personality type struggle sounds familiar: You see a problem at work. You figure out a way to step in and start to make progress. Then someone comes along and says, “You know, this is really the responsibility of [insert name of project lead here].” Or, “We should start with [insert a complicated or authority-dependent process here].” Or, “We need to wait for [authority figure] to approve it.”

Have you ever started doing something, only to be told it couldn’t (or shouldn’t) be done that way?

Often, this highlights the difference in approach between a Judging (J) versus Perceiving (P) personality type. If you are the one who wants to jump right in and move a situation along, you are probably strong in the Perceiving preference – that is, your personality type code ends in the letter P. If you throw up a cautious hand and say, “Let’s make sure we’re doing this right,” you are probably strong in the Judging preference – your personality type ends in the letter J.

I love this ancient Chinese proverb:

The man who says it can’t be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

We all have natural strengths. Some business strengths of Perceiving personality types are:

• their easygoing nature
• their ability to fly by the seat of their pants
• their competence in chaos, sometimes a calming influence in the storm
• their tolerance for risk
• the apparent ease with which they step right into the fray and start figuring it out

Conversely, some natural business strengths of Judging personality types are:

• their thoroughness in planning
• their patience in analyzing several options to make an informed choice
• their ability to stick it out through the rough times and finish on target
• their focus on the end game, through numerous distractions or curve balls
• their innate ability to make order out of chaos

Neither is right. Neither is wrong. In any given situation, both approaches have merit.

So when you are faced with a project to complete or a challenge to overcome, ask yourself these questions:

• What are the benefits of jumping right in like a Perceiving personality type would?
• What are the benefits of doing analysis and research, planning it through, then sticking to plan like a Judging personality type would?
• How do the two of you appreciate the best of the opposite approach and work together to partner on this effort?

Have you experienced a J/P challenge at work lately? What did you do to figure it out?

Ah, the joys of that first getting-to-know-you period! I received an email recently that reminded me of my dating days. The person was an ENFP (an Extraverted, flexible green), dating an ISTJ (an Introverted, structured gold), and wondering how to make a relationship work between two opposite personality types.

I’m a definite ENFP and my husband is a definite ISTJ. So far, through definite ups and downs (and many “relationship building” discussions), we’ve been married almost 9 years. I didn’t know much at all about personality type when we met, and those insights sure would have been helpful! Here are the tips I gave the person who emailed me, based on personality knowledge and my own experience. I’ve tried to make these as gender-neutral as possible, but sometimes my own experience reflects my own female ENFP and male ISTJ situation:

1) ISTJs tend to take care of business first, and play later (if they can fit it in).

Golds thrive on responsibility and duty. The biggest complement you can pay them is to tell them they are reliable, dependable, capable, and solid. Show appreciation when s/he does things you enjoy that fall into this category. When he calls when he says he will, when she takes a chaotic situation and uses cool reason to turn it into an organized pattern, when he shows you that you can count on him no matter what. Appreciation is something we all enjoy, and complementing natural traits reassures the person that you see and like the “real” him or her.

2) ISTJs tend to, by nature, be wary and suspicious of all things new.

This applies especially when the new thing is not reliable, dependable, capable or solid, as in the case of an ENFP personality type. Give your Gold Beaver time to get to know you slowly. Be yourself, but show that as an ENFP you are – at best – consistently inconsistent. Rushing things will put your beloved off. This type of person is a slow burner, not a heat-of-the-moment person. Capitalize on your warm, nurturing side and your sunny disposition.

3) Your natural ENFP traits attract this type like a bee to honey (to a point).

Your enthusiastic, playful, impetuous, gregarious nature is attractive to an ISTJ because it offers an optimistic and joyful influence. However, s/he can only take so much of this for so long before it crosses into annoyance or unreliability. This type is more Eeyore, yours is more Tigger (more about personality types and Winnie the Pooh characters here). Go have fun with your other Tigger and Piglet friends and don’t expect him to tag along. Everyone needs an outlet for their true nature, and your sweetie will appreciate the quiet time alone to sort out his or her own thoughts. You will tend to want to make this person the center of your world. Try hard not to.

4) Give this person the space to grow toward you.

It is human nature to fill a vacuum. Have you ever tried to not say anything while you count to 10 during a meeting? If you do this during the whole meeting, you might never get a chance to speak at all! Just as it is normal to fill a conversational void, it is normal to try to fill a void in presence.

Hang back just a little. Give your partner space. Your ISTJ will grow toward you, but it will be at a slower pace than you want. Show this person you are independent and can get along just fine without him or her, but still appreciate and enjoy their company. DON’T try to manipulate a commitment to you faster, because it will backfire. No jealousy plays, no silent treatment, no games. Those techniques don’t draw this type in, they push this type away. Just live your own life with your own friends and taking care of your own responsibilities. ISTJ types appreciate confident partners who have it all together and can stand on their own two feet.

5) ISTJ’s need to be needed.

This type gets a kick out of “rescuing” someone, especially when that person is self-sufficient and the “rescue” is low-key. When you talk about your life and she gives wise counsel, voice your appreciation of her objective, reasonable, time-tested advice as something you never would have thought of yourself. When he helps you work through a problem, tell him that you appreciate him partnering with you because his input helps you built to a more complete solution. Tell her that your differences really complement one another (because they do!) and you should partner together more often.

My Story

I hope some of these suggestions help. I met my hubby at a time when he was going through some major life changes – a move to a completely new city on the other side of the US without any family or friends to support him. Though we connected like lightning right off the bat, it took lots of patience and maturity on my end for 3-4 months before he was truly committed. As he put it, “It takes me a while to build confidence in someone, but once I’m there I give my heart completely.” We were married a year after the first day we met. Your mileage will vary.

Your Turn

The trick is to give this person the room to grow in affection for you. Be a touch less eager, a tad less available, a sliver more involved in your own life than you normally are. Give him a chance to grow toward you by moving away just a little. Your person might be an ISTJ, but s/he is a human first.

Have you dated someone who is your personality type opposite? What was your experience like? Share your story in the comments!

“What does personality type have to do with finding my passion?”

I get this question a lot – sometimes asked with confusion, sometimes with cynicism, and sometimes with enthusiastic curiosity. The people I most enjoy working with end up as curious and enthusiastic folks, whether they started there or not.

Here’s what I have to say in response:

1. Learning about your personality type can help unlock your feelings

The key to finding your passion is opening up to feeling. Passion is, after all, just a strong emotion. So many of us are closed off to it, and other emotions as well. Have you been criticized at work? Up goes a wall to your emotions. Have you been belittled at home? Another wall. Do you try to be like someone who is your complete opposite? Another wall. Eventually, you find yourself closed off not only from hurt, guilt and anger, but from passion and happiness as well.

When you learn your personality type (and here’s a quick quiz if you have no idea what it might be), you start to accept your differences between yourself and other people as just that – differences. Not weaknesses (though sometimes they are), not character flaws, not something you’ll “have to work on” – just differences. With acceptance of those differences, you don’t have to shield yourself so much from the comments of others. You can filter out the feedback that’s valid and toss out the remarks that used to be hurtful and keep you up at night.

Once you open yourself up to feeling again, you will find more and more that brings you excitement, joy, and passion.

2. Learning about your personality type helps build your confidence

The flip side of not having to defend yourself so strongly against those who notice your weaknesses is that you can have more confidence in your natural talents. So many of us discount our natural gifts. Doesn’t everyone come up with creative solutions for problems? No, they don’t – that’s often an iNtuitive (N) trait. Doesn’t everyone keep things organized and controlled? No, they don’t – that’s often a Judging (J) trait. Can’t everyone strike up a conversation with strangers and help them feel comfortable? No, they don’t – that’s often an Extraverted (E) combined with Feeling (F) trait.

Knowing your natural talents gives you more confidence that your “superpowers” aren’t just everyday common tendencies. They are part of your DNA, and you can develop them into strengths that other people don’t have. What’s more, when you do this other people recognize and applaud you for the things you love to do! How cool is that?

3. Understanding yourself and accepting your natural tendencies will allow you to find your passion more quickly.

When you are in touch with your feelings and have confidence in your natural abilities, you will find the road to finding your passion a lot easier to travel. You’re not fighting your weaknesses, and you’re aware when you start doing something that makes your heart sing. Pay attention to that feeling, and nurture it. It will lead you to your passion.

Your Turn

For further reading about talents linked to personality traits, you can read my pages on:

• Talents of directive, extraverted (ESTP, ESTJ, ENTJ, ENTP) types
• Talents of informative, extraverted (ESFP, ESFJ, ENTP, ENFP) types
• Talents of directive, introverted (ISTP, ISTJ, INTJ, INFJ) types
• Talents of informative, introverted (ISFP, ISFJ, INTP, INFP) types

What natural talents do you have that you haven’t seen as strengths before? What have you been defending yourself against that you can now let go? Have you found your passion through personality type? Tell me in the comments!

Have you ever played the icebreaker game of Two Truths and a Lie where you make three statements about yourself and the others have to guess which is a lie? I thought it might be fun to talk about Introverted traits and see if any of you can relate to the common assumptions about Introverts.

Two Truths and a Lie

1. In conversation, it’s pretty easy to tell when someone has a preference for Introversion
2. Introverts tend to keep to themselves
3. If you want to be friendly with an Introvert, don’t just stop by to say Hi

I’ll give you a minute to decide which you think is a lie among the truths.

Seems like a good time to throw in a picture:

Okay, time’s up. What do you think? Let’s go over the statements.

In conversation, it’s pretty easy to tell when someone has a strong preference for Introversion

In my experience, detecting an Introverted preference during conversation is relatively easy. When you ask a question, how long does it take for the person to respond and how organized is their answer? How you interpret the answer will be based on your knowledge of the person and the context of the question, but generally an Introvert will pause before answering to process the question and their response will be more organized than that of someone who prefers Extraversion.

I consider this statement to be true.

Introverts tend to keep to themselves

There are many Introverts who hesitate to identify themselves as such because the American public seems to believe that means they don’t like to be around people. This is simply not the case. Being introverted is not the same as being antisocial. While it is true that Introverts need down time to recharge, this doesn’t have to happen in a vacuum. There are many Introverts who recharge around family or close friends, though generally not in conversation. They read, watch TV, hike – anything that gives them some time to reflect or just to not focus on the frenzied outside world. Introverts can’t recharge by interacting with people, but most will say that having a few folks around during a calm activity is quite nice.

This statement is false.

If you want to be friendly with an Introvert, don’t just stop by to say Hi

While Introverts can be quite social, stopping by to say a quick Hello just because you were in the area can derail their train of thought for some time. A Gallup study recently found that after an interruption it takes someone about 25 minutes (rounding up) to get back on task. With Introverts, it can take even longer. If you want to be friendly with an Introvert, send them a quick email or Instant Message (IM) and let them know you’re hoping to drop by in about half an hour. Don’t just drop in because they were sitting quietly at their desk. You’re relationship will be better for it.

This statement is true.

Your Turn

Do you prefer Introversion or Extraversion? Do my opinions about the above statements match your experiences? Tell me the in the comments.

PS – You can read more about 5 Ways to Guess Someone’s Personality Type in this earlier post.

Do you struggle with using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as an assessment tool for figuring out your personality type? Do you think it’s a bunch of hype, or that it will box you into a role or persona, or that it will predict your success in life?

Here are some benefits of the MBTI assessment to consider:

1. When it’s used correctly, you get a description of all the types – not just your own

When you take a free quiz online or from a book, you are alone in assessing your own results and interpreting how others might score. When you take an MBTI assessment from a certified Myers Briggs professional, a key element of the assessment is an explanation of each preference spectrum. This explanation provides many “Aha!” moments – not only in understanding yourself, but in recognizing how the preferences might explain the behaviors of other people in your life.

2. You get confirmation that you aren’t alone in how you act and react

If you grew up in a family with types very different from yours, you might feel as if every behavior that feels natural to you is wrong. This often happens with children who have strong Perceiving (flexible) preferences growing up in a family with strong Judging (organized) preferences. If you are strong on the Perceiving scale, you might have received messages that you’re a complete flake, or that people can’t take you seriously, or that you are too scattered. If nothing else, the type report assures you that you are completely normal and, what’s more, there are millions of people in the world who share your flexible nature!

3. You get an objective framework for viewing people in your life

Do you have a co-worker who nitpicks every new idea or whose first reaction is to say why it won’t work? “We’ve tried that before, and it didn’t work because …” or “That isn’t the way we do things around here” or “You can’t just …” might be phrases that appear often in meetings with your team.

Instead of reacting personally, with type knowledge you can recognize the traditional, conservative tendency of a teammate with strong Sensing (focused on what is or was, and what can be proven real through the senses) and Judging (organized and structured) traits. Once you recognize the pattern of a Gold, you can begin to understand that they aren’t trying to squash your ideas. They merely want reassurance that the direction you’re suggesting has a rock-solid foundation and can be trusted. This makes working with those who have opposite personality traits much easier.

4. You begin to understand why some activities drain you and some energize you

You might be very confused at your tendency to get depressed or come home drained when you’ve been working at your desk all day. Why would that be? Don’t most people around you talk about getting more energy after coming in on a Saturday because they can get so much more done and get energized again? Does it make you feel like there’s something wrong with you?

There isn’t anything wrong. You are likely an Extravert who gets energized by interacting with people or situations in the outside world. They are likely Introverts who gather energy from time spent reflecting and thinking. Neither is better, it’s just that the types differ in how they refuel.

5. You can use your personality preferences as a guide to finding your strengths

As you read through your assessment results and discuss them with your certified Myers Briggs consultant, jot down those sentences that spark a realization of “Yes! People are always saying that about me” or “Oh, that’s funny. My boss just congratulated me last week on that trait.” Go through each trait that your assessment suggests, and list them along with examples from your life that relate to that natural talent or trait.

Maybe you prefer iNtuition (looking toward the future and what could be) and Feeling (making decisions based on your own idea of what’s “right” and how others will be affected). You notice during the assessment that some of the other traits of your reported type are the ability to constantly produce new ideas and the ability to motivate others. Suddenly you remember how your coworker vented to you yesterday. Today she said that having you listen, be encouraging, and offer several alternatives really helped her break through a challenge.

With a little thought, you can work that into a strength statement that you can weave into job interviews and talks with your boss. Suddenly, you find that you are earning a reputation for doing those things well. Best of all, they are activities that you love and that come to you naturally. Eureka! Suddenly, your life feels much more enjoyable.

Your Turn

Learning about type, your own and others, can be of enormous benefit in helping you build a life you love. If you want to take the Myers Briggs assessment and find your strengths, I am certified to offer and interpret the assessment. Just contact me to get started.

Have you taken the MBTI? If not, why not? If so, how did it help you? Share your thoughts in the comments.

I read a Myers Briggs personality type article on Careers in Theory and it led me to a neat test on YouTube called the Selective Attention Test. Watch the video and see if you come up with the right answer. It only takes two minutes. I’ll wait:

I couldn’t believe it, so I asked my husband to take it. I was certain he would be surprised, too, but he got everything during his first viewing. How is that? This is the man who gets so focused on a task that it takes him a full 30 seconds to register anything else that happens in the room. I’m an Extravert with an off-the-scale Perceiving preference, which means I focus on the outside world and am very reactive to new things. How could I miss something so obvious? My husband is an ISTP and my complete personality type opposite, so I would think that if I didn’t catch something like that he certainly wouldn’t. It mystified me.

Forcing yourself to perform in an area of weakness can have odd consequences

I finally came up with a theory that makes sense to me. One of my weaknesses is that it’s very easy for me to get distracted. It’s practically impossible for me to concentrate on one solid effort for a long time – unless it’s using a strength, like public speaking. I was determined to get the right count, so I worked VERY HARD to focus on the video. I was so busy with overcoming a weakness that I overlooked something obvious which I never would have missed if I had been acting naturally.

Since my husband finds it easy to concentrate for a long time on one task, focusing on the video for two minutes was no challenge at all. Therefore, his could use more of his attention on everything going on.

Your Turn

Did you get the right answer? Did you miss the obvious? What’s your personality type? Tell me in the comments.

P.S. You can learn more about the video at this link (but don’t go until you’ve watched the video!).

Is there someone in your life who seems to effortlessly fly through training classes, courses and tests? Who can volunteer to speak at the last minute and deliver a presentation that would take you a week to prepare? Who can reply to a surprise question from the boss at a meeting with a perfectly coordinated reply that actually makes sense?

Here are three suggestions to boost memory that come naturally to many iNtuitive personality types (greens and blues). You can apply them, too – no matter which Myers Briggs type fits you.

Metaphor

How do you describe complex or unfamiliar ideas to others? Okay, now how do you do it so that they understand?

I was first exposed to the value of metaphors when I read Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die. In the book, Chip and Dan Heath describe the power of making an idea stick by comparing it to something the audience already knows.

For example, one of my family members owns some farmland and was offered a chance to purchase the easement that cut through the property. I was given a copy of the offer letter and my six year old, ever inquisitive, asked what the letter said. How would you explain it?

I ended up talking about two birthday cakes – one with a strip of sand running across it and the other without. I asked him which he would rather have. Of course, he said he’d choose the cake without sand. I then explained that this easement ran through the land, splitting it in two and making the easement part of it unusable. Suddenly, a six year old could understand the impacts of a real estate decision.

Harness the power of metaphor. Exercise your ability to compare complex ideas to simple ones. Communicate those ideas to others using comparisons and see whether you see the light of understanding dawn in their eyes.

Mind Mapping

Do you get writer’s block when you sit down to write that article, that report, that research paper? Blank paper (or a blank screen) can be awfully intimidating. Even trying to write an outline can be a challenge. Insert the power of mind mapping.

Mind mapping, simply put, is creating a diagram of circles and lines to brainstorm ideas. You start with one central circle and write the main idea inside it. Then draw a spoke and another circle and, in it, the first related idea that comes to mind. Then the second – either related to your second circle or as another branch off the main idea. As new things come to you, you simply add circles and connecting lines. If you use paper and pen (or pencil), as I often do, you will end up crossing out or erasing lines and connecting the circles in many ways as you re-organize your thoughts. If you do this a lot, you might want to invest in an online mind mapping tool or software like MindManager by MindJet.

The next time you are faced with a blank screen, a timeline, and a product to create, give mind mapping a try. Watch your ideas take shape as your mind jumps from related idea to related idea, unencumbered by outlines or hierarchical bullet points.

Use Mnemonics

Ever take piano lessons? How did you learn the scales? Does the phrase “Every Good Boy Does Fine” ring a bell (for the notes E, G, B, D and F)? How about math class? Did you memorize the order of operations by the phrase “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally” (for Parenthesis, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition then Subtraction)? If so, you used mnemonics to memorize material.

Acronyms are one of the most common uses of mnemonics. If you are like me, you go to the store often and return carrying all sorts of stuff – yet forgetting the one thing you went to the store to buy. Next time, try using an acronym. For instance, a list like milk, eggs, apples and bacon might create the word BEAM.

Never underestimate the power of an acronym.

Why do I say that iNtuitives often use these tools naturally? Because people who use iNtuition the most usually take in data by understanding connections or fitting it into the big picture. Painting word pictures (metaphors), connecting ideas and relating concepts (mind mapping), and creating word puzzles (acronyms) are natural strengths for most iNtuitives. Those who prefer Sensing (golds and reds) will benefit from using them too.