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Lost Your Job? 5 Things to Do Today

August 21, 2010 By

Photo by eflon on Flickr

Photo by eflon on Flickr

Pam* lost her job on Monday, and she wasn’t sure what to do. Despairing, angry, and cynical, she wasn’t in any mood for chirpy platitudes like, “This just opens to door to your next big opportunity” or “When fate closes a door, it always opens a window somewhere.” No. Pam is a realist, and she didn’t need a cheerleader. At least not that first day. Pam needed some help adjusting her mindset.

Have you just lost a job? Here are the first 5 things to do:

1. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Losing a job is tough. You had co-workers you enjoyed, an office culture you were used to, the security of a place to go every day and a regular paycheck. You are probably in shock, too. Give yourself time to go through the grief cycle. Everyone swings like a pendulum through a range of thoughts, feelings and behaviors after an emotional shock before regaining a bit of equilibrium. Sometimes it takes a few hours. Sometimes a day or two. Give yourself permission to go through it, and don’t try to rush it.

While you can’t wallow and linger in depression and grief, you can’t shut yourself off and refuse to acknowledge the emotions either. They will come back to bite you later.

2. Don’t make any drastic changes in your appearance for 24 hours.

Don’t head to the stylist for a radical new haircut or color. If you usually wear a beard, don’t shave it all off immediately. Don’t get a tattoo. When you make decisions in the throes of emotion, you often wind up regretting it later. In the case of your appearance, you will need every ounce of self esteem and normalcy in the coming weeks. Looking at a stranger in the mirror won’t help.

3. Keep your head in the current time, not in future visions of woe.

“I’m unemployed,” Pam moaned, “I can’t believe it.”

“No, you aren’t,” I stated, “you are getting paid as much today and you were yesterday, and you will be tomorrow, too.”

Pam was lucky. She hadn’t been fired, her company had lost a client. They had given her a 60 day notice. She had some time. But her mind was running through wild, undisciplined halls of terror. It was time to reign it in. The best way to do that was to focus on the reality of today, not the scary stories of her freaked out inner lizard.

Pam was worried about whether other companies would hire her. What would happen if she put her resume out there and received no calls? What would she do after weeks of interviewing and no offers? Pam was so busy wringing her hands over a fire in a back alley with the homeless in her own mind that she couldn’t focus on all she had today.

Today, Pam was fine. She wasn’t homeless, she had food in the fridge, she had a reliable car. Pam had everything she needed for today, and more. She would continue to have those things for at least the next 60 days, because she would have a steady paycheck for at least that long. Yes, it would be wise to stop buying non-essentials. Yes, it would be wise to not make any major purchases until she was settled into a new company. But for today, Pam was doing just fine.

4. Control what you can. Don’t try to control what you can’t.

Pam didn’t have control over whether recruiters would call. She didn’t have control over whether an interviewer would choose her for the job. She didn’t have control over how much a future employer would offer her. However, she did have control over some things.

She could make calls to people she knew and ask for a referral. She could update her profile on Linked In. She could upload her current resume to a few job sites. She had actions to take, and she had control over her own actions.

5. Reverse your needy mindset.

This might be the most important trick of all. It’s remarkably easy to feel anxious about finding a new job when you know you will be losing your current one. However, the desperate clinging energy will end up repelling job possibilities.

If you are in a situation like Pam’s, you don’t have to tell an interviewer that you have lost your job. For all they know, you are one of the several hundred applicants who are just looking for something different. A chance to grow. An opportunity to get away from a difficult boss. An entry point into a different role or job function. There is no need to let them know that the clock is ticking and you have 57 days and counting to find a new position.

Fear is not your friend when it comes to job hunting. Fight it. If you were halfheartedly looking around before this news, start thinking that you are just stepping up your job search. If you weren’t, take it as a bump from fate that will put you on a new track.

You are strong. You are talented. You are imminently desirable as an employee. Act like it.

Your Turn

Have you ever lost a job? Are you dealing with a job loss now? What is your best advice? Share it with us in the comments below!

*Names are part of a composite sketch made of real people and situations, but changed enough to protect privacy.

Filed Under: Leading Your Life

Dating Advice for ENFP and ISTJ Personality Types

August 5, 2010 By

Photo by picturepurrfect685 on Flickr

Photo by picturepurrfect685 on Flickr

Ah, the joys of that first getting-to-know-you period! I received an email recently that reminded me of my dating days. The person was an ENFP (an Extraverted, flexible green), dating an ISTJ (an Introverted, structured gold), and wondering how to make a relationship work between two opposite personality types.

I’m a definite ENFP and my husband is a definite ISTJ. So far, through definite ups and downs (and many “relationship building” discussions), we’ve been married almost 9 years. I didn’t know much at all about personality type when we met, and those insights sure would have been helpful! Here are the tips I gave the person who emailed me, based on personality knowledge and my own experience. I’ve tried to make these as gender-neutral as possible, but sometimes my own experience reflects my own female ENFP and male ISTJ situation:

1) ISTJs tend to take care of business first, and play later (if they can fit it in).

Golds thrive on responsibility and duty. The biggest complement you can pay them is to tell them they are reliable, dependable, capable, and solid. Show appreciation when s/he does things you enjoy that fall into this category. When he calls when he says he will, when she takes a chaotic situation and uses cool reason to turn it into an organized pattern, when he shows you that you can count on him no matter what. Appreciation is something we all enjoy, and complementing natural traits reassures the person that you see and like the “real” him or her.

2) ISTJs tend to, by nature, be wary and suspicious of all things new.

This applies especially when the new thing is not reliable, dependable, capable or solid, as in the case of an ENFP personality type. :) Give your Gold Beaver time to get to know you slowly. Be yourself, but show that as an ENFP you are – at best – consistently inconsistent. Rushing things will put your beloved off. This type of person is a slow burner, not a heat-of-the-moment person. Capitalize on your warm, nurturing side and your sunny disposition.

3) Your natural ENFP traits attract this type like a bee to honey (to a point).

Your enthusiastic, playful, impetuous, gregarious nature is attractive to an ISTJ because it offers an optimistic and joyful influence. However, s/he can only take so much of this for so long before it crosses into annoyance or unreliability. This type is more Eeyore, yours is more Tigger (more about personality types and Winnie the Pooh characters here). Go have fun with your other Tigger and Piglet friends and don’t expect him to tag along. Everyone needs an outlet for their true nature, and your sweetie will appreciate the quiet time alone to sort out his or her own thoughts. You will tend to want to make this person the center of your world. Try hard not to.

4) Give this person the space to grow toward you.

It is human nature to fill a vacuum. Have you ever tried to not say anything while you count to 10 during a meeting? If you do this during the whole meeting, you might never get a chance to speak at all! Just as it is normal to fill a conversational void, it is normal to try to fill a void in presence.

Hang back just a little. Give your partner space. Your ISTJ will grow toward you, but it will be at a slower pace than you want. Show this person you are independent and can get along just fine without him or her, but still appreciate and enjoy their company. DON’T try to manipulate a commitment to you faster, because it will backfire. No jealousy plays, no silent treatment, no games. Those techniques don’t draw this type in, they push this type away. Just live your own life with your own friends and taking care of your own responsibilities. ISTJ types appreciate confident partners who have it all together and can stand on their own two feet.

5) ISTJ’s need to be needed.

This type gets a kick out of “rescuing” someone, especially when that person is self-sufficient and the “rescue” is low-key. When you talk about your life and she gives wise counsel, voice your appreciation of her objective, reasonable, time-tested advice as something you never would have thought of yourself. When he helps you work through a problem, tell him that you appreciate him partnering with you because his input helps you built to a more complete solution. Tell her that your differences really complement one another (because they do!) and you should partner together more often.

My Story

I hope some of these suggestions help. I met my hubby at a time when he was going through some major life changes – a move to a completely new city on the other side of the US without any family or friends to support him. Though we connected like lightning right off the bat, it took lots of patience and maturity on my end for 3-4 months before he was truly committed. As he put it, “It takes me a while to build confidence in someone, but once I’m there I give my heart completely.” We were married a year after the first day we met. Your mileage will vary. :)

Your Turn

The trick is to give this person the room to grow in affection for you. Be a touch less eager, a tad less available, a sliver more involved in your own life than you normally are. Give him a chance to grow toward you by moving away just a little. Your person might be an ISTJ, but s/he is a human first.

Have you dated someone who is your personality type opposite? What was your experience like? Share your story in the comments!

Filed Under: Personality

Personality Type and Finding Passion: An Overview

August 3, 2010 By

Photo by bingramos on Flickr

Photo by bingramos on Flickr

“What does personality type have to do with finding my passion?”

I get this question a lot – sometimes asked with confusion, sometimes with cynicism, and sometimes with enthusiastic curiosity. The people I most enjoy working with end up as curious and enthusiastic folks, whether they started there or not.

Here’s what I have to say in response:

1. Learning about your personality type can help unlock your feelings

The key to finding your passion is opening up to feeling. Passion is, after all, just a strong emotion. So many of us are closed off to it, and other emotions as well. Have you been criticized at work? Up goes a wall to your emotions. Have you been belittled at home? Another wall. Do you try to be like someone who is your complete opposite? Another wall. Eventually, you find yourself closed off not only from hurt, guilt and anger, but from passion and happiness as well.

When you learn your personality type (and here’s a quick quiz if you have no idea what it might be), you start to accept your differences between yourself and other people as just that – differences. Not weaknesses (though sometimes they are), not character flaws, not something you’ll “have to work on” – just differences. With acceptance of those differences, you don’t have to shield yourself so much from the comments of others. You can filter out the feedback that’s valid and toss out the remarks that used to be hurtful and keep you up at night.

Once you open yourself up to feeling again, you will find more and more that brings you excitement, joy, and passion.

2. Learning about your personality type helps build your confidence

The flip side of not having to defend yourself so strongly against those who notice your weaknesses is that you can have more confidence in your natural talents. So many of us discount our natural gifts. Doesn’t everyone come up with creative solutions for problems? No, they don’t – that’s often an iNtuitive (N) trait. Doesn’t everyone keep things organized and controlled? No, they don’t – that’s often a Judging (J) trait. Can’t everyone strike up a conversation with strangers and help them feel comfortable? No, they don’t – that’s often an Extraverted (E) combined with Feeling (F) trait.

Knowing your natural talents gives you more confidence that your “superpowers” aren’t just everyday common tendencies. They are part of your DNA, and you can develop them into strengths that other people don’t have. What’s more, when you do this other people recognize and applaud you for the things you love to do! How cool is that?

3. Understanding yourself and accepting your natural tendencies will allow you to find your passion more quickly.

When you are in touch with your feelings and have confidence in your natural abilities, you will find the road to finding your passion a lot easier to travel. You’re not fighting your weaknesses, and you’re aware when you start doing something that makes your heart sing. Pay attention to that feeling, and nurture it. It will lead you to your passion.

Your Turn

For further reading about talents linked to personality traits, you can read my pages on:

What natural talents do you have that you haven’t seen as strengths before? What have you been defending yourself against that you can now let go? Have you found your passion through personality type? Tell me in the comments!

Filed Under: Finding Passion, Personality

Before You Begin Finding Your Passion

August 2, 2010 By

Photo by tomsaint on Flickr

Photo by tomsaint on Flickr

“If I were a wild animal, I’d have gnawed my leg off by now.”

This is how I began my journal entry in March of 2007, feeling trapped in a job that had promised wonderful opportunities but now felt like a straitjacket. The trick was to begin finding a way out, but before I could start I had to set a strong foundation for myself. I floundered around for a while, but in retrospect I think the following areas were key in giving me the strength I needed to break out of a life that didn’t fit me anymore.

Accept where you are on the passion path

If you are struggling with finding your passion, accept that you are in the beginning stages. There will be a lot of trial and error, a lot of starting and stopping, a lot of swirl. It might make those close to you (especially those dependent on you) a little crazy.

When I started my own journey, I desperately wanted to find something that would excite me, create meaning in my life, and give me a sense of purpose. I leaped at several opportunities, thinking “That’s it!” and jumping in with both feet. It felt great until I got a little more involved and realized that not only was the activity not “IT”, it wasn’t even something I enjoyed. Being an extravert, I talked excitedly to family and friends about every new thing on my radar. A month later, they saw me dropping the thing I had been so excited about. I really began to feel like a flake, a failure, someone who didn’t stick to anything.

If you are just starting out, realize that you are going to go through a lot of churn at the beginning. Allow yourself to experience it. Don’t try to avoid it, even if it makes you feel very uncomfortable.

Commit to the Homework

If you are trying to find your passion, realize that it’s going to take some time to figure it out. Commit to putting in that time. Introspection isn’t sexy. It isn’t something that your casual friends will want to hear about, and it isn’t usually something you would talk to them about anyway.

If you have spent months or years burying your feelings, it’s going to take some time to rediscover yourself again. Go in with the expectation that you will try things, you will take small steps, and you will NOT rush yourself. Set yourself up for success by realizing this is a process, not a miracle moment. You’ll have more fun along the way.

Find Your Tribe

The blogging community might have initiated use of the word “tribe” in everyday language, but it applies to finding your passion too. Do you know the #1 reason most people fail in making changes that stick? They try to do it alone. If you have a supportive significant other, friends that cheer you on, or motivational family members, this might not be a problem for you. If not, here are some ideas:

  • Read blogs about others making the same change
  • Get on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, or other services and find a group that wants to make the same change you do
  • Listen to audiobooks that motivate and inspire you
  • Go to MeetUp.com and find others who share your interests

Your Turn

Where are you on the passion path? Have you handled the basics yet? Tell us in the comments below.

Filed Under: Finding Passion